loveyoubabe1234

i got a new username. 
because honestly, i needed the change. 
primary_colorsx 
i'll comment this so there's a link.

 

12:29 A.M.

I'm sitting outside next to the boat. The one that hasn't seen water for almost 4 years now. It's minutes after yet another fight. This one leaving me wondering if I'm sane and stable at all, or if I really do have the mental capacity of a twelve year old.

 

 

 

 

 

Here I am, sitting under some overgrown tree, smoking my third cigarette since then. It's a salem. Menthol. And after my other two, which were Marbrols, I've decided I like salem Menthols better. I don't know why, seeing as the first time I tasted a cigarette, it was a Salem. And I hated it. It grew on me, I suppose, despite having grown up smelling Marbrol smoke. The only other cigarette I've had in my life was a camel light. I don't remember what that tasted like.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I left the back deck, screaming something about being too frustrated to think, and that I was taking a walk. I didn't wait around for a reply; I just walked away. I was hoping I left him worried that I might not come back. I know it's an immature thing to do; to leave someone standing there without a thought. But I did it anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

While I smoked, I sat there, playing with the embers in the grass. I thought about how nice it was, just sitting there in the quiet. Where it was peaceful and I didn't have to think. It's not like that at all inside. Despite the dead quiet, I still feel trapped. I feel caged.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I held the cigarette in my mouth as I put on a scarf. It's August 6, but it's still a bit chilly. I sat there staring at the burning flecks of nicotine inside of the paper. I sat there giggling for a moment, somehow wishing it was a joint. I put the cigarette out and stood up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I looked in my purse for my wallet. I had seven dollars. I contemplated going to CVS or WAWA, but looking like this? A tear stained face, no shoes, a scarf, and the smell of cigarette smoke on an obviously fourteen-year-old girl would probably arouse suspicions. Facing the dreaded reality was best. At 12:35 A.M. I walked inside. I dried my eyes. And I secretly hoped they worried. Not that they would.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The bitter reality finally sinks in. No matter how mature I could possibly try to be, the truth is, I'm just some little kid. I'm that little kid you'll laugh at. I'm like a little girl playing in mommy's lipstick.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm not one of those annoying twelve-year-old prostitutes. I don't think I'm cool; I don't think I'm special. Not at all. It's pointless to think that. People like that are dumb. I don't have any common sense at all, but at least I have enough to know not to be fake as shit. Seriously. And to anyone out there who's offended by something as stupid as an opinion, grow up, and fuck you. I don't use words like "fuck" to get attention. I don't use them to sound better than I am. I don't use them to make me seem like something I'm not. So please, just grow up.

 

 

 

 

 

 And please, quit playing in mommy's lipstick.

hello. 
that's all i can say. 
i'm too depressed to even move my fingers and type. 
i just want to sit here. 
i don't want to do anything. 
i just don't want to move. 
he picked her. 
he picked her. 
he picked her.
pick me. 
chose me. 
love me.

he said: "I Cant Figure Her Out...."



and im just thinking...: is it even possible that i am this girl? could i ever BE this girl? could i ever be HIS girl? 


these are the things that make me not want to live anymore. 
i sound like an attention whore. but i swear to god i'm not that person. i promise. 

i'm being bribed to get good grades for the next two years haha 
ninth grade, if i get A's and B's, i get a laptop. I'm sooo excited. =) 
i'm scarfing down mints like they have zero calories haha 
i <3 lifesaver mints 
but tictacs are like waayyy better 
I need to stop eating those special K bars...although they have replaced my potato chips. 
Happy July seventh, 2007!!! 
i love you whoever you are <33

Happy Fourth Of July people!!! 
I'm going to the grocery store tomorrow. I'm making a list and checking it twice. No Naughty foods for me, i'm playing nice. Paula's gonna be ten pounds less! (to the tune of "santa claus is coming to town") okay i'm done now. i might have to eat a hot dog, but that's okay. i did my pilates yesterday. i'm doing it again at four today. 
Xo Paula-Jayne oX

it's 9:36 in the morning. i just got back from summerschool about an hour ago. =( 
yeah. i failed algebra. haha i've never been good at math. anyways, i feel very crappy and sick today. 
so i'm not gonna eat. that's good. i've got lots of thinspo modivation. =)